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Copyright © 1997 by Twelve Star Publishing
All rights reserved. Inquiries should be addressed to
Twelve Star Publishing, P.O. Box 123, Jefferson, MD 21755
It used to be that I had long-range plans and goals into
which I poured all my energy to then slowly and painstakingly
manifest them over the years. A career, one or another academic
degree and -- of course -- relationships, I willed these plans
into physical reality, flexing my own muscle and drawing upon
my every strength, without asking much for guidance or help. Those
were my dreams, and they were going to come true, come hell or
high water. Most of them did; they came and went.
All dreams ended at some point, after many painful lessons,
leaving a bitter after-taste. While there is some sense of pleasure
in exploring one's own strength, there is usually a price too,
in the form of emotional scars, physical ailments, toxic beliefs
and compulsive behaviors. After all was said and done, what had
I really accomplished? I finally concluded that, if I continue
to be dissatisfied with the results of my very best efforts, I
must be doing something wrong.
Over a decade ago, as a result of my frustration, I asked
the universe to assume the reins in my life. I wanted to serve
a greater dream than my own. The universe responded favorably,
requesting nothing of me in return, save renunciation of self-rule.
When we desire to be of service, life truly becomes chaotic. This
seems to be true everywhere I look. The resulting "shake,
rattle and roll" has the curious side-effect of loosening
the ties we maintain, consciously and unconsciously, to influence
our own fate. The more we try to organize the happenings to reintroduce
some sense of order, the worse it seems to get, until we let go
absolutely.
Everyone I currently meet or know -- clients, personal
friends, teachers and students alike -- is experiencing some degree
of exactly this turmoil: the sense of a free-fall and corresponding
loss of control. Commercials and self-help materials increasingly
pick up on this trend and respond to it, offering ways to control
pain, finances, or even "your own destiny." These commercials,
materials and 900-numbers are obviously for those who interpret
the loss of self-rule as a dreadfully negative experience. For
others -- myself included -- the turmoil is the answer to a prayer.
Feeling "overwhelmed" and "out of control"
can thus be re-labeled as "cleaning out" -- to make
room for the new wine to be poured into a willing and trained
vessel. This new wine -- our spiritual gifts -- will not be filled
into a contaminated receptacle still threatening to run havoc
with the power of such blessing.
I still make plans -- much, much shorter-range in nature
and smaller in scope -- only to find myself changing them as new
opportunities enter the picture. Each day, hardly an hour passes
during which I do not have to look deeply within (or "beyond")
for guidance. I believe this is exactly the purpose for the entire
exercise. There is nothing that ends self-rule more effectively
than utter confusion!
My hope for everyone in this situation is that we may find
guidance beyond self-help and quick-fix illusions of a temporary
recovery of some measure of control. There are two characteristics
indicative of an illusory path: (1) Looking to people and things
for solutions or even "rescue," when the confusion is,
indeed, the rescue itself (from self-will run amok); and (2) being
motivated by fear.
Turning to people and things when we are afraid represents
a potent vehicle for the transfer of personal energy resources.
Historically, such transference has turned people and things into
demi-gods with corresponding power over the people who are so
afraid. The only safe answer to distress, fear and despair remains
in the hands of a higher power who would not possibly, ever, abuse
our trust. This power source rests in the bosom of the universe
and can only be accessed through one's own heart.
Let's examine ourselves for toxic attachments -- our relationships,
goals, objects, self-images and beliefs. Attachments held together
by the glue of fear are particularly toxic and will come back
to haunt us. Similarly, let's identify our toxic teachers, i.e.,
ones who do not encourage independence from them; who offer up
only their version of truth rather than guiding us to seek the
universe within.
Finally, what feels like a free-fall may, very likely,
be an upward one. Having lost direction in so many ways, who and
how are we to know? Could it just be we are learning to fly???
Personally, when I make the time to slow down, in communion and
meditation, I am very definitely able to reframe the free-falling
sensation as exhilarating and perfectly uplifting. Fear translates
into the awesome, anticipatory excitement such as a child experiences
before Christmas Day. My heart quickens with joy rather than fright.
I am infinitely curious again, as I have last been as a child,
wondering what this mystical journey called "Life" will
hold in store for me.
Lilo Bauer-Freitag is a conventional psychotherapist who
ventured into the areas of subtle energy dynamics and phytotherapy.
She lives and works as a self-employed consultant and ordained
minister in Virginia, promoting holistic thought/living, subtle
energy techniques and a great love for herbs, crystals and sound.
She can be reached at (703) 803-8819.